Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Nightmares

No, not the kids. Me.

Since early November, I have had 3 nightmares and they aren't the boogie man kind.

Working backwards....

On November 24th, I dreamt Cecilia and Felicity were kidnapped. I knew who had done it. It was 3 circus clowns. (While it is true we read Clifford Goes to the Circus before bed the night before, I've also always hated clowns.) I dreamt I followed these clowns trying to find my girls, who seemed to have been sold to the circus. I remember dreaming of breaking down sobbing just wanting my girls back. Just before I woke up, I think I had found them plus one other little girl they had kidnapped.

On November 16th, I dreamt I was shopping with the girls in Virginia and James was at a nearby library. While I was shopping, I began bleeding. I gathered the girls in the car, called James and went to pick him up. We began heading for the hospital. I woke before we ever reached the hospital, but by the time I got James, there was a lot of blood and I knew either I had lost the baby or something was seriously wrong.

On November 6th, I had the worst nightmare I've ever had in my life. I had actually first felt the baby kick the day before and I had even fallen asleep praying the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. But this nightmare was so horrible, I have a really hard time even talking about it. For now, let me say, that it is the worst thing that could happen to a pregnant woman who is avidly pro-life. Put two and two together, and I think you can guess the basic of what I dreamt. When I woke up, I had to check that I was still pregnant and, for the first time ever, I woke James up over a nightmare. When asked what he could do, I told him to get the house blessed, as we moved over the summer and hadn't done it yet.

We have since had the house blessed. Whenever I spoke with friends about the nightmares, I got the "pregnancy always has strange dreams" explanation. But this is my 4th pregnancy. I've had strange pregnancy dreams before. These are not strange or weird. These are nightmares. Dreams where I cry during and afterwards. Dreams where I lose one or more of my children. I even spoke with my doctor about it. He said it is not uncommon. It is mostly psychological in terms of fears, fears of losing a child or fears of being unable to protect 4 children, etc.

I have not been afraid of mothering 4 children. I don't think I'm doing half bad, frankly, in terms of parenting 3 young children while being pregnant. Four really didn't scare me. I do have friends who have lost children, but I have been blessed never to have lost one of my own and the most recent friend who did was in July and yet the nightmare pattern is clearly a November thing. I've been trying to think what could have happened in November to spur such dreams and I can only think of one thing.

Now, it may sound ridiculous or silly to you, but I have come to wonder if the trigger wasn't all the videos and accounts of the abuses of the TSA. The sheer idea of the government insisting on putting a stranger's hands all over my child upset me a great deal. If you've seen the video of the 3 year old screaming, "Don't Touch Me!" you can picture any small child in the same position. The government legally molesting my child. I realize they have since revised their policy regarding young children, but when my nightmares began, they hadn't. I saw the TSA as a serious threat to my children and, though the policy has changed, I cannot say I trust them any more than I did before. We do not expect to travel for several months, so it is not even a realistic threat in some sense, but it still hit me with a reality that has had very real emotional consequences.

Maybe the TSA is only one factor among many. I don't know. I just find the dates interesting.

Have you ever had nightmares such as these? Did you have any idea what caused them? Was there anything you did to prevent them that you found worked or helped?

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